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This life has become repetitive. Every aspect remains the same. Up, down, up, down, up, down. I'm due for a change. A job. School. My own apartment. Freedom from debt. Self-reliance. Love... Confidence. Independence. Happiness. Optimism.


My throat hurts and I taste blood.

Work orientation tomorrow.

I miss him...

I need to stop posting things when I am inebriated. Haha. 

Today is my sister's birthday... I've been feeling bad because I've been very irritated all day. I'm ashamed to say that I took it out on her earlier, even though it's her day. Then I was reminded that it's also my grandfather's birthday, may he rest in peace. That explains the underlying sense of depression we've all been feeling today. It made me smile, though, the fact that it's storming. Grandpa always loved to sit on the patio and watch a good storm. How appropriate the weather is. My sister and I will have a few shots tonight in his honor.
I realized that I never mentioned the fact that I found the book Journeys Out Of The Body by Robert Monroe among grandpa's old books in the garage. I remember grandma relating a story to me about an OOBE grandpa had a good while back, though she didn't know that this is what it was. He was lying on the bed napping in his room when grandma walked in and was doing something or other in there. He could see himself lying on the bed, but didn't know how to get back into his body. So he yelled for grandma to help, to wake him up, but she wasn't aware. Later, he told her this, but I don't know that she believed him. He asked her why she didn't help and she told him that he was sleeping and wasn't yelling at all. It's okay, grandpa. I believe you. He was very much interested in a lot of the same things that I am. I believe that a natural psychic ability runs through our family, but most of us lose it because we don't realize that we have it and so don't nurture it. When my mother was a Buddhist, she had precognitive visions, was highly intuitive, and could see ... dark entities. I like to use the word "demon" because it seems to fit the best. Anyway, when she was introduced to Christianity when she moved to America, she was told that this was evil and these abilities were of the devil's doing. So she closed it off.
I've read and spoken to people about how when they're beginning to attempt projecting, it takes many of them years to finally be successful. At the same time, I've heard of others who have been doing this since they were young, unintentionally. When I began, it came very easily. Now the opportunity to do so will present itself without me even thinking about it or wanting it. This brings me to another frazzling experience with a shadow being...
I was reading some of the book by Monroe to A the other night. Incidentally, it was the chapter on these "beings". We went to sleep and I'd woken up a few times during the night, the last time I awoke was in the morning, during daylight. When I went back to sleep, I had a dream, most of which I can't remember. At one point, I looked up at the night sky which was filled with millions of stars. As soon as I did so, I felt that sucking sensation and the vibrations were very intense. I knew what was happening and so I thought, "hey, why not? it's been a long time since I last attempted." So I became aware of my body lying on the couch and felt the vibrations. It didn't cross my mind to use any form of protection or even to call on my spirit guides. When I felt ready, I lifted the head of my astral body out of the physical. It made a weird jello-like sucking sound when I did this. As soon as I lifted my head, I saw a black shadow person leaning over the back of the couch and it had its face no more than a half inch away from mine. I didn't keep my head pulled out for very long, but in the short time that it was, I felt that this being was laughing at or mocking me. Its arms were hanging over the couch as if it meant to steady itself as it thrust its face into mine. Needless to say, I quickly pulled back into my physical body and tried forcing myself awake. A was lying on the floor next to the couch and I was calling out to him and thought that I was tapping on him, but apparently my physical body was still asleep. When I finally awoke, I couldn't call out to him and instead pulled on his blanket repeatedly until he woke up. I told him what happened and couldn't go back to sleep. Every time I started to drift off, I felt the sucking sensation and became frightened, as I didn't want to see the being again. A ended up lying on the couch with me and put his arms around me. I then felt safe enough to sleep again.
The point of my story is that I'm frustrated. The first few times I managed to project, I was fine. There were no creepy beings waiting for me when I left my body, but now it happens every time. It may just be that I didn't shield myself or ask for my guides to assist me, but it freaks me out to no end. Anyway, just thought I'd share that experience. Hopefully my next attempt will be a little less frightening. :)

So I think that I've finally done it. I think I projected. Earlier, I smoked some and decided to take advantage of the daylight to try and project. Either I was lucid dreaming or it actually happened. I felt myself rising out of my body and hitting the ceiling. Then I flipped over and some guy helped pull me down. When I floated down and landed on the carpet, I thought "wow, this is real!" Well the first thing I wanted to do was move away from my body before I got sucked back in. I told the guy that I wanted to go to A's room. Well, it was dark when I got there ( he was at work ) and I was looking around for something to tell him about later so he'd believe me. It was too dark to see so I gave up and decided to go to Mars. The next thing I know, I feel like I'm being sucked through a tiny hole and feel like I'm shooting along at a million miles an hour. This is all I can remember though. I think it'll become easier to remember with time. Anyway, that was exciting. Trying again tonight. Those stones seem to be helping a lot.

I bought a tarot deck. So many people swear by it that I figured I'd see what all of the hype was about. Maybe I'll become good at reading them and I'll do readings for people. So... every time I turn around, there are signs telling me to leave A. I mean, really leave him because he is just no good for me. But there's the fear of being alone, losing someone close, and the loss of familiarity. It would break my heart to see him with someone else...and I do still love him so much. I'll just wait and see what happens.

I'm tired of being such a flake. I blow people off like it's nothing and I really need to stop doing it because I know how aggravating it is to other people. I'm burning bridges that I shouldn't be and it's really just plain laziness. How can I make friends if I ignore people?

Recently I've had this insatiable thirst for a higher knowledge. What I mean by this is that I desire to discover my untapped abilities, to nurture them, and to help them flourish. I believe myself to be an empath with a strong sense of intuition. It runs in the family. I've always had a fascination (bordering on obsession) with the paranormal. I had a very religious upbringing, but I borrow bits and pieces from everything to form my own opinions and beliefs. I was exposed at an early age to "spiritual attacks", I guess you could call them. It may have been the fact that I was so young and was being subjected to such radical views on religion that provoked such a thing. Because of these attacks, I do believe that demons ("evil spirits") exist, but don't have much of a problem ignoring them now. It was traumatizing for me at such a young age though and I am still afraid of the dark at twenty years old. Anyway, I'll get more into that later. Right now I'm focusing on etheric projection (out of body experience). I've managed to sit up, out of my upper body as far as I'm consciously aware. I had a very strange dream the other night where I was flying and it was night time and I very well may have been projecting, but the details are very faint and it could have just been a dream. Crossing my fingers that it really happened though. That means progress. So there's that and I'm looking to join a Reiki group. Anything and everything that will help me grow spiritually is great.
Meditation especially. My mind is so all over the place sometimes that it's hard to concentrate. This is my main problem. Anyway, I'm going to stop rambling. More later.

Love&Light,
Liz